


In Chains

by GalaxiesandStars



Category: Holby City
Genre: Gen, Mental Instability, Midquel, Prison life, Violence, self harm.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25183174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalaxiesandStars/pseuds/GalaxiesandStars
Summary: Weeks after the court sentenced him to 12 years in a psychiatric ward of a prison, John learns that he can trust no one .
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	1. New Home

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: self harm, suicidal thoughts.

The monotonous silence was broken by the rain thrashing against the windows. The dark clouds reflected John’s mood. His once-combed hair was now wild and untamed, his blue eyes were now emotionless. Cars whizzed past, avoiding the metal van as people were more focused on their destination. John, however, wasn’t.

His career obliterated by the trial and reputation in tatters, he was a broken man. He had nothing. All he wanted was to help Asta with her injuries. Of course, other factors became involved and he lost control. Look what it got him. 12 years in the fucking psych hospital. His breath misted up the mask he was wearing. After the trial, John’s mental health descended into full blown insanity. He went feral, brawling with the guards, biting them, throwing stuff around and threatening them with a piece of glass before stabbing himself in the arm. In order to save him, they sedated him with a powerful tranquiliser. He put half the guards in hospital and did thousands of pounds worth of damage.

When it was all over, he became withdrawn and quiet, something that heavily disturbed the guards. As a precaution, they put John in a straitjacket and a mask. The wardens at the hospital would have a field day with him. Due to his unpredictable, violent behaviour at the courtroom and weeks after that, he was placed into a crisis stabilisation unit. He would be there for however long it took for him to stabilise.

The only uncertainty was that his moods came and went. One minute he would be fine, the next he was losing it. Because of this, doctors were unsure about the length of time he would stay. He didn’t speak, nor blink or anything. It was like there was nothing there at all. Just an empty shell. As John was being wheeled across the entrance towards the door, the taunts began.

**“You’re the same as us, now”**

**“Not so high and mighty now, are we?”**

**“You don’t fucking belong here”**

**“Arrogant twat.”**

**“He won’t do any harm; he’s fucking sick in the head.”**

**“I bet your wife is shagging someone else as we speak.”**

John could hear every word.

Anger was fuelling the fire inside him but there was nothing he could do. He was strapped to the board that tight he couldn’t even move erratically to scare them. One thing that did strike a chord was the last comment. How did Asta feel about the entire thing? What he did would affect her career as well as their marriage. It would test their relationship. Now that he was away from her, she was open to all kinds of unwanted attention.

The thoughts of suicide plagued him also. The only consistent person in his life who was always there for him was also the one he let down. Deep down, he loved her eternally, but he couldn’t bear to be apart from her. He was backed into a corner with no way out. In normal circumstances, he would have used his charm to talk his way out but not this time. The facade of confidence and mental stability was destroyed by his actions.

He didn’t have any real friends. The ones he could rely on and not stab him in the back were the ones in his head. He was talking to friends that had long since passed. One prominent figure was his mother. Unlike the fictional character Norman Bates, John’s mother was trying to help him regain his sanity, but the demons kept blocking her out.

All those years of trying to keep himself stable wasn’t worth anything anymore. He had kept at it in the hopes of finally living a normal life. But his trauma and fierce temper prevented him from doing so. Asta had the patience of a saint but John saw different in her eyes.

He saw fear, uncertainty and helplessness. At times when they lived together, he was irrational and violent. But he never hurt Asta. However, he knew that her living with him would make her feel terribly unsafe. So while he was going through these phases, she would stay with a friend until he got it out of his system. It wasn’t something he chose to do, it just manifested at random intervals. The medication had really helped him so much. He had a normal life.

People had blamed Asta for his predicament as it was her arrival that set the ball rolling. He cursed them under his breath as it was so farfetched. Neither of them knew what the future held for them at that point. He was at the desk with the guard and driver as the receptionist checked him in. She looked at him in shock as she knew who he was. He treated her mother last year for nerve damage. It surprised her how much difference a few months made. After having John check in, he was taken to his room. The room was quite boxy, with only a bed.

John would have nurses to shave and wash him as it was possible for him to harm himself if left alone. He wasn’t allowed visitors due to his state and could receive them if he was well enough. Chances were that he would never be. It was impossible for him to be the person he was before. He had changed drastically, in the eyes of his colleagues, friends and his wife.

Placing him gently onto the hardened bed, the nurses made him comfortable by fluffing up his pillow gently. He gave no reaction. Eyes were fixated on the ceiling. He didn’t move. All his energy was gone. He didn’t violently resist either, which was good for the guards as they heard what happened before. A guard was posted on the door to stop any unauthorised personnel from going in and making John worse.

It would be a long recovery for him. Apart from Asta, there was nothing left for him anymore. He doubted that he had any friends left. At the trial, he could see in Henrik and Roxanna’s eyes that he had crossed a line. Would they forgive him? He wasn’t sure but he wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t.

Having lost everything, Asta was the only thing giving him hope. Without her, his life would be worthless. He had caused irreversible damage to the lives of his patients. He wouldn’t be shocked if some of them or their relatives were baying for his blood. He would welcome it.

There was a huge public outcry when he got sent down. People were saying that the sentence was too lenient, that he should have been stripped of his license and banned from ever practicing again. The judge took all of this into account but, because of John’s state of mind at the time and fearing that revoking his license would break him altogether, she said that she would wait until his sentence was over.

12 years of this.

How can he stay sane in a cell like this all day, every day?

No contact with the outside world, except for the nurses and the psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist wouldn’t be around yet anyway because his mind was too fragile for him to speak.

He was used to nightmares as they were just dreams.

Now he was in a living one, his personal hell.


	2. Secrets of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As John regresses to an animalistic nature, a psychiatrist recalls his sessions with John's mother.

John looked at the wall with intent, wondering what it would be like to smash his head against it. It was padded so he couldn’t do any harm to himself. More’s the pity. He had been in here for a few months now. The fractured pieces of his mind were slowly coming back together. He could speak a few words, like yes and no. The feelings he had inside him were still there.

The nurses tried to place him on an IV drip to get fluids into him as it was too dangerous to take the mask off. Most of the time, he resisted by thrusting his bound legs at the nurses, hurting their lower half and abdomen. He snarled and growled at them to warn them off. To them, he wasn’t human any more. He had entered an animalistic state and he was defending his territory. Most of the staff had no sympathy for him thinking he had brought it on himself. Dr Grey knew that John was a troubled soul as he had treated his mother in the past. Knowing mostly of John’s trauma and abuse, in his heart he was sorry for him. No one asks to be born into an abusive household.

He knew that John’s mother, Marie, tried to protect him as much as she could. She told him that she was trying to get a divorce, move away with John and start a new life. She wished she had never married him; she hadn’t known he would turn out to be like that. All full of charm and loving when he first met her. It started after their honeymoon. She became a captive in her own home, not being allowed to go out to socialise or for walks. Her physical health suffered as a result. He would only feed her enough to keep her going.

She didn’t know a lot about her husband’s background to understand what made him like this. She took John to her sister Cora’s on the coast for a few months, just to get away from him. She left while he was at work so he wouldn’t stop her or come up with excuses to make her stay.

For the first time in her life, she felt free. She regularly kept in contact with the psychiatrist through the phone. She was getting her life back on track. She kept repeating what she should do regarding a divorce. As it was the 60s, she knew that he would get half of what she owned. He told her that it would be alright, provided she could prove that he was abusing her and John.

A few weeks later, she told him the outcome of it. She said that it didn’t work out the way she wanted it to. Admittedly, she opened up about having a drug addiction in order to escape the abuse. He had used it against her, claiming that she was in no fit state to look after herself and the child. All the more reason for him to stay with her.

She felt so angry that she refused to come home. One evening, she, her sister and John were watching Doctor Who when he came bursting through the door, ranting and raving. He pushed Cora out the way, ordered her to pick up John and get themselves into the car. She would have strongly refused if he hadn’t been pointing a gun at them. So her nightmare continued.

Dr Grey peered through the window of John’s room. His position hadn’t changed since the last time he checked on him. The first meeting between Dr Grey and John had been when John was 16, at Blackhurst Asylum incarcerated for murdering his father. He had lashed out at staff, nearly killing one of them and severely injuring the others.

Knowing the circumstances around his crime, the Judge thought it best for him to receive treatment. As John didn’t have any family close to him, he was to be sent to a foster home. However, the doctors were convinced that John wasn’t stable enough to be placed near anyone, lest he harmed them. Out of the staff there, Dr Grey was the only one who really wanted him to become well enough.

To John, the others didn’t care at all. It seemed to some they only saw him as an experiment to perform the latest cures on. As he saw that this was making John worse, Grey moved him to Ashworth Hospital, where he was now, for his own safety.

The staff had their work cut out for them, trying to undo what the other doctors had done to him. It took them over a year to help him. He checked on John and saw him staring straight at him. No smile or anything.

Grey didn’t know what John was thinking. He dreaded to think.

All John wanted was to be happy and have a good life with the woman he loved.

He felt life had thrown him down and kicked him while he was struggling to get up.

Grey didn’t know what the future held for John but he knew that it wasn’t going to be easy.


	3. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Celeste battles with her guilt, John meets a few inmates.

The sun hit the curtains, giving a dull light into the room. It wasn’t bright enough to wake the occupant, but it let her know that it was there. She lay wide awake, eyes open. She had been up most of the night. The ghosts of the past haunted her every time she slept. Thinking why she did what she did. If she hadn’t said something, things might have turned out differently. But she couldn’t hide from Asta. She wasn’t like that. Honesty is the best policy and all that.

Asta needed to know the truth. She needed to know what he was capable of. When she first heard of Marie’s death, she thought that John had done it. Knowing how much John had loved his mother, he wasn’t capable of doing such a thing. Then she moved on to her brother-in-law, Adam. A violent and abhorrent bully, she kept him at arm’s length. She could never see what Marie saw in him. Vile lech. When she invited them to her and her wife’s anniversary dinner, he openly flirted and ogled younger women. She could see that Marie really loved him, but she was blind to what he was.

He had a very short fuse, kicking off over the slightest thing. He would have a dig at her for anything and everything. He would blame her for everything, even if she wasn’t there. Swearing at her constantly and throwing punches. To her shame, she didn’t know what went on behind closed doors. She kept going over the events in her head of that day.

The what ifs.

What if she didn’t tell Asta about John?

What if she had stepped in sooner and took John away from his father?

What if she went to the police to report him?

If she did, Marie would have been alive. She owed it to her to look after her son. After Marie died, she was angry at herself for not seeing the signs earlier and knowing that John was in danger. She thought the bruises were him playing around at school.

She and Clair went to get John before he was harmed but Adam anticipated it. He threatened them, saying that if they didn’t get off his property, he would call the police and report them for harassment. He ended the conversation by throwing homophobic slurs towards them and transphobic slurs towards Clair. Clair was all for fighting but Celeste pulled her away as it would make the situation worse.

She and Clair should have tried to rescue John, but his father was strong, especially when he had a temper. He unleashed his rage in a variety of ways and would only stop if his victims submitted to his demands. John wasn’t safe there, but the police wouldn’t do anything as Adam was their boss. He mainly bribed or threatened those who got too close. The man was a monster. It was clear to Celeste that John had inherited some of his father’s traits, but she knew that John had a good heart.

She brought her hand close to her heart and felt her wedding ring. It was the happiest day of her life, even though she wished that he wasn’t there as he dominated the whole thing. Clair left for work early as she worked as a nurse at the local hospital. She looked towards the void where her body had been. 10 years they had been married and 30 years together. She wouldn’t change it for the world. She felt as if she had failed John and Marie by not helping them. She understood John’s anger towards her.

At the time, it was best for Asta to know sooner rather than later. If something bad had happened, she wouldn’t have taken it lying down. She was there when the verdict was handed down. Even though she was saddened that he would be parted from Asta for a long time, she had a sense of relief that John wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore.

She phoned Asta about twice a week to see how she was getting on. Asta was staying with her mother as Elea feared that she would have another breakdown. It surprised her how John’s mental state was affecting everyone else’s. However, it showed that many people cared about him. She hoped that it wasn’t too late for him to turn his life around.

….

John leant against the wall, looking at the other inmates playing basketball. It seems that playing sports was the only thing that bound them together. Pulling down his sleeves, he knew that he couldn’t show any weakness. If only they knew. Anything sharp was taken out of his room after last time. It was a shame that the alarm was raised. He realised that he had to be saved in order to cover the prison’s arses, for there would have been a hell of a backlash.

After many months in the psych ward and, with the help of Dr Grey, he had managed to become slightly integrated with the others. He noticed that they kept well away from him, as they knew how violent and psychotic he was. Through whatever source, they had heard what he did to the brother of a patient at Holby. Thinking about it made their skin crawl.

How could an esteemed, internationally renowned Professor hide such a sadistic mind? The inmates wouldn’t dare to find out. Even the top dog, Big Bill was shaken by him and it took a lot for him to be like that. Big Bill was an Irishman who lived in London for the past 20 years. From a petty thief to the leader of the Bleeders in the North, he wasn’t a man to be messed with. Weighing 350 lbs and covered from head to toe in tattoos, he looked like a bull chewing a wasp.

Taking up boxing when he was 12, he used his fists for talking when people weren’t forthcoming with information. Even though he was a skinhead, he was quite intelligent, calculated and thought plans through rather than ploughing straight in. He was in for 25 years for armed robbery, murder and running a drugs operation. Slim built and stocky like a shit brickhouse, he was a formidable foe. He and his goons looked over at John while they were smoking by the gates. All felt uneasy about him.

The youngest one, Joker had called John’s wife a whore and John had beaten the living shit of him, requiring him to be hospitalised for a few weeks. He still nursed the split lip and broken arm. At least he could breathe better now. Joker could have taken revenge, but Big Bill advised against it, as next time John would kill him without hesitation. Like John, Big Bill couldn’t afford to show weakness or fear as someone would usurp him from the top dog position.

**“What we gonna do about him, Boss?”**

Cheshire, Big Bill’s second in command turned to him, rubbing the back of his head. He and Big Bill had been friends since childhood. He, Mad Hatter and Smiler were the heavies of the gang, going around threatening those who oppose Big Bill’s rules.

**“We do nothing.”**

**“What?! Are you mental, Boss?! He could easily take your spot as Top Dog.”**

Big Bill quickly got up from his spot and squared up to Cheshire.

**“I said, we do nothing. Capiche?”**

**“Yes, Boss.”**

**“Good.”**

John could see the confrontation from where he was. He was told by the others to not get involved with Big Bill or his goons unless he wanted a shiv in his side. For him to just keep his head down and out of trouble. However, since John beat up Joker, he was already involved with them.

In all honesty, he was slightly scared of what would happen to him. He was sorry for hurting him the way he did but not sorry for defending Asta’s honour. Looking towards the sky, John wondered how long he would be stuck in this shithole. Wardens whooping the inmates’ arses for the slightest inconvenience, manipulating some of them to grass on the others to receive privileges. They would have to watch their backs all the time. It was no life for them.

John stepped out of the shadows and into the sun. The light felt warm on his skin and inviting. He had forgotten what it felt like after spending nearly his entire life in the shadows. His face was weathered with age and stress. He developed a full beard and his once short, styled hair was now long and ridden with curls.

His arm began to itch due to the scars, but the doctors told him to leave lest he undid the stitching. He wondered what Asta looked like now. Still beautiful, he thought and still having her unique sense of fashion. He had put her through so much and she was still smiling through it.

He could see Big Bill staring at him. He didn’t know why he was eyeing him up, but he had a feeling that it wouldn’t be good. Up to now, John had a bit of a reputation for his devotion to his wife and hurting those who said otherwise. No threatening at all, just lashing out. The guards had to sedate him a few times as he was beating some inmates senseless.

The bell echoed in John’s ears. It signified that they had to go back in. Some of the other inmates allowed John to go in first as they were scared shitless of him. As John went in, he glanced up to the ceiling, realising that he was still here. He thought it to be a dream at first, but the more he thought about it, he knew he was deluding himself. His situation would never change.

He would never be able to work in a hospital again. His career was like a dead body in a morgue. No chance of revival. He had pondered numerous times whether or not it was worth sacrificing his career for. 9/10 times it was yes. If he lived his life over again, he would have done the same thing. Before he headed back to his room, Cheshire and Big Bill made a beeline for him.

**“You alright there, Prof?”**

**“What do you want?”**

**“Easy there, Prof. We just want to talk to you.”**

**“Oh?”**

Big Bill stared at him in wonder. Someone with his fighting skill was a dangerous man indeed. He had to tread carefully as he didn’t know what John would do. He couldn’t read him as well as he did the others.

**“I was wonderin’ if you would like to join my gang.”**

**“And what makes you think that i want to join thugs like you?”**

Cheshire shoved John against the wall and held him by the scruff of his neck.

**“YOU OUGHT TO SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT, YOU SON OF A BITCH.”**

**“Easy Cheshire. That’s no way to talk to him. It’s you who should be showing respect.”**

Big Bill guided John to a bench, a few feet away from Cheshire, so that he wouldn’t hear anything.

**“Sorry about that, Prof. He’s a little wet behind the ears and thinks he knows it all.”**

**“It’s alright. I’ve seen worse.”**

**“Anyway, since I saw you beat up one of my lads, I knew that you were a force to be reckoned with.”**

**“You think that I wanted to steal your place as top dog?”**

**“I did. But you seem like a nice fellow. We could do with someone like you. Someone more experienced than the youngsters.”**

**“I appreciate the gesture but all I want is to keep my head down and not cause trouble again.”**

**“I understand, Prof. The offer’s there, if you want it.”**

**“Thanks.”**

Big Bill left John to contemplate the offer. He headed back to his cell, but not before he gave Cheshire a clip round the ear for being rude. John had to be careful, in case pleasantness turned into violent threats.

He had to survive in here until his sentence was up. He would do anything that was necessary in order to live that long, even though he knew it was morally wrong. It was every man for himself. He had to be strong, for himself and for Asta.


	4. Black Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending many Christmases without seeing anyone, John's sanity hits rock bottom. But a surprise visit is on the cards.

His soulless eyes darted over the room. He was rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. This was not a good sign. As he hardly had any social contact with anyone other than the inmates and wardens, his mind was getting worse. He was focusing his attention on the opposite wall. So much concentration was on that wall that John thought he might bore a hole in it. It was snowing outside. The world became a blanket of white. Some of the inmates were outside, making snow angels and having snowball fights.

He didn’t care about that. He didn’t care about much these days. The animal inside was being patient. Any small thing would set it off and then there would be no stopping him. Last time that happened, John nearly killed a man and left another with life changing injuries. He had to be put in a padded room for a few months just to calm him down. He was too dangerous to mix with the other inmates.

John knew that and the wardens knew that. Perhaps they thought that he could interact with them to stop him from going mad. John hated it. He wanted to be locked away for his own safety. Clothes dripping in sweat, the only thing he could hear was his own heart beating. Sometimes, he couldn’t stand it. He just wanted his heart to stop, so that he could feel nothing but a void. He had tried to silence it but they kept bandaging his arms and sedating him so that he wouldn’t take the stitching out.

He did once as he couldn’t take it anymore. The floor looked like it had been subjected to a massacre. He ran down the corridor, saying how he will be free of the pain at last. It took 5 guards to subdue him and bring him to the medical ward. The doctor in charge made sure that John wouldn’t be able to do this again. As he was severely unstable, he had to be kept inside his cell all day every day.

Looking at his nails, which were cracked and bleeding from scraping the walls, John realised the damage was not too bad to not try again. He jumped up from his bed and made his way to where the wall was partially gouged and began clawing his nails against the tough brick. This way, he could at least feel something even though it was causing him pain. He scraped as hard as he could, biting his lip so that he couldn’t scream.

After he had finished, his hand was bleeding quite badly. He rushed to the sink and turned on the tap, placing his hand underneath the cold water. The pain seared through his arm, making it almost unbearable. He winced as the icy water got into the split nails, flushing out the bacteria and blood. He had to be careful as it could easily get infected.

**BANG BANG**

The noise nearly made John jump out of his skin. He pulled the sleeve over his right hand so that the guards didn’t see. He didn’t want to go to the infirmary again. He was certain that the doctor had something, but it was possible that his paranoia played a part in that.

The scraping of the lock turning was like nails on a chalkboard to John. A lean built man entered the cell, closing the door behind him. His arms were covered with tattoos, his hands covered with black gloves. Shoes polished to a shine, uniform clean and pristine. He had piercings in his ears and tongue. Jack was about late 30s - early 40s. He had been in the job for 5 years.

He had to get used to the violence and abuse pretty fast as scared was a sign of weakness. Before, he trained as a psychiatrist so he was assigned to the psych ward. He had no time or patience for those who bring their mental disorders upon themselves. If they had reasons to, he would help them without questions. But those who do it for fun and end up with mental health issues, he wouldn’t help them as they should have known the dangers, and most of them did.

**“You alright there, John?”**

**“What do you want?”**

Jack came to John’s bed and sat on the far side, just to keep his distance. All guards that dealt with John kept their distance when he was like this, to keep him and themselves safe. Jack put his hands up just to let John know that there was nothing to be afraid of.

**“The Christmas party is on this afternoon and I was wondering if you would like to come.”**

John stared at him with a piercing gaze. All he wanted was to be left alone until he would be released. The guards tried endlessly to get him to socialise again after he put Cheshire and Joker in the medical ward. But all the inmates were afraid of him. It was a vicious cycle.

**“I don’t want to go.”**

**“Are you sure? I think it would help you.”**

**“I...said... no.”**

Jack backed off. He knew that if he continued things could get ugly very quickly.

He got up from the bed and made his way slowly to the door. He stopped for a moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw an area that looked as if it had been attacked by a small object or something similar. He noticed John’s right hand was covered. His heart sank when it dawned on him what John had been doing. He didn’t want to confront him head on but he would mention it to the doctor so they could have a look when John had his next checkup.

He left John in his cell and went on to make his rounds. Jack couldn’t force John to go nor could he force him to get medical treatment. If he does get worse, they would have to intervene for himself and for his loved ones. Even though what John did was wrong and inhumane, his heart was in the right place. But he went too far.

He nearly killed a woman twice because she was getting too close to the truth. He caused the deaths of innocent people. In Jack’s eyes, it was unforgivable. He didn’t know whether John’s family and friends would welcome back with open arms. Of course they loved him but how strong that love was had been severely tested over the last few years. John would soon find out and see.

….

**“Henrik, will you stop pacing back and forth? You’re making me nervous.”**

Roxanna was in the corridor, holding a cup of coffee. Her heart was filled with anxiety and dread. She and Henrik couldn’t possibly imagine how the last 8 years had affected John. Was he getting better or was he taking a turn for the worse? They were taking a risk going there as there was a high possibility that John would lash out. The receptionist told them that, for their safety, John would be in a straitjacket.

**“I can’t help it darling.”**

Henrik sat beside Roxanna whilst tapping his fingers against his side. He grabbed hold of her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. The twins were with Asta for the day as it wouldn’t have been wise to bring them along. Both Roxanna and Henrik knew that they would be good as gold for Asta, who they thought of as a surrogate aunt. Even though Asta couldn’t have any children of her own, she treated the twins as if they were. It helped her fill the gap in her life. She was going to take them to the aquarium and treat them to lunch.

Roxanna and, at times, Henrik had been checking up on Asta since John first went in. For a few weeks, her own mental health took a turn so Roxanna took time off work to help look after her, which Elea appreciated while she was working. As the clock ticked away, Roxanna gulped a big swig of her cold coffee. Eventually a guard came out to greet them. Both stood, and made their way to the visitor’s room.

The room felt quite cold; there were no warm colours to make it more inviting or anything. It definitely was a prison. There was a vending machine in the corner that Henrik approached, as he hadn’t had anything to eat due to nerves. The walls had varying tones of grey, which uneased Roxanna no end. She knew that there were homes for people like John, which were more friendly and understanding than this place. Surely John would have benefited more from being there then here?

With Henrik sitting next to her, she felt that he gave her courage. She was meeting the man that nearly killed her twice. She had the urge to really lay it in him, as she never forgave him for it. True, he wasn’t thinking straight at the time but it was no excuse to take her life or others.

She and Henrik looked at each other lovingly. 8 years of marriage and two beautiful children. Their life was finally happy, for once. The uncertain feelings for each other at university and at work bloomed into a beautiful relationship.

Their colleagues were relieved that the romantic tension between them had come to a head. At first, it was a little awkward between them as it had been a while since they were in each other’s intimate company. Another guard went and unlocked the door. Both their hearts were in their mouths. Out of the corner came a scruffy and gaunt man.

Eyes tired from lack of sleep, his cheekbones and jawline just barely poking out of the skin. His once tamed hair looked like a bird was resting in it. His face was covered by a thick beard. Their mouths dropped when they realised who it was. John dragged his feet across the floor. He didn’t even look up to see his old friends. Collapsing on the chair opposite them, his eyes remained fixated on the floor. Henrik couldn’t believe the state of him.

It was like the old John never existed. Instead, there was an old, withered husk in his place. He didn’t know that John’s mental struggles were this bad. Roxanna was shocked. It looked as if John wouldn’t hurt a fly. He looked so timid and vulnerable. However, she had an inkling that, underneath it all, still laid a cold, calculating mind.

**“Hello, John. How are you?”**

No response.

Henrik guessed that, because John’s mind had been pushed past the brink, he would struggle to engage with others and form full sentences.

**“It’s good to see you again.”**

Roxanna squirmed a little. Was it good to see him, after everything he put them and Asta through? Personally, she didn’t want to go and see him at first but Henrik managed to talk her round. He knew how she felt about it and understood completely. He said to her that John would lose it completely if he knew that his old friends had abandoned him. She looked at him, as if to say can we go, to which Henrik shook his head. After what seemed like hours of silence, John looked at them, dead in the eyes.

**“How’s Asta?”**

**“She’s alright, John. She has our children for the day. Taking them to the aquarium.”**

**“I’m glad she’s ok. I hurted her so much.”**

Roxanna sighed. Even though her life had been endangered, it was Asta who suffered the most. She had to take a break from work as people as they wouldn’t stop asking her about John and his crimes.

At one point, she had a full outburst and punched a rival in the face after she said that she hoped John would rot in the psychiatric ward. However, she was well on her way to going back to work again. Admittedly, there had been times where she was tempted to see other people, but she pushed it aside as John needed her more than ever.

“ **What has she been up to with herself?”**

**“Well, she’s been baking and knitting and focusing on herself more. She does miss you. Very much.”**

Tears were falling down John’s face. He couldn’t cry as he was too numb for that. Henrik and Roxanna didn’t see it but inside, John began to feel happy. Something that he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

**“It won’t be long now, John.”**

**“Mmm.”**

Roxanna nearly fell off the chair as the deafening bell rang to signal the end of visiting hours. As the guard came to collect John, Henrik placed his hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring smile that everything was going to be ok.

As John was going back to his cell. The couple were left wondering if John would ever be the same again. Even after his release from prison, his recovery would still take time. Neither knew what the future held for him, as he would struggle to find work again. They and Asta would do everything they can to get John back on his feet again. It would be a long and hard journey but, hopefully, it would be all worth it in the end.


	5. These Wounds, They will not Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As John hangs between life and death, he is haunted by faces from the past and present.

Silence.

That was all he could hear.

All he could see was a void of darkness. His memory was all hazy for an unknown reason. Everything was numb. His arms, legs, head. it was as if it was made of stone. He couldn't remember the last time he had a good nap. However, he felt that he had been asleep for a long time. He tried to wake himself, but somehow, he lacked the strength.

_Come on, wake up, you fool._

In all honesty, he didn't want to wake up. It would be mean facing to his blood stained past, his guilt, his fears. Everything that he wanted to avoid. He was just tired. Tired of feeling the way he was, tired of living. He felt that he wasn't good enough anymore. That he had failed everyone. Nothing was worth it anymore. To hear his heart stop would be a blessing.

**"Well, well, well. The _great_ Professor Gaskell, fighting for his life."**

He thought his mind was playing tricks on him. It couldn't be. 

Alex?

**"I said that you could kiss your glittering career goodbye, you sick fuck."**

John wanted to retort but found himself unable to speak, as if something was blocking his mouth. Alex hadn't changed. He still was the egotistical twat that John met whilst caring for his brother. He remembered their encounter in the corridor when John refused to let him see his brother in Recovery. If he could move, he and Alex could have gone for round two.

**"Look at you now. Weak, helpless. No one here to assist you. Now, you know how my brother felt."**

He still blamed John for his death, even though he did all he could. The way he was now, he couldn't be arsed to defend himself. It was true. The transplant did kill Adam. John knew that the transplant wasn't ready for human use. But he just wanted to do something right for once in his life. When Adam died, he knew that it was a fail. But he couldn't give up, not when he had come so far.

He recalled that when the time of death was announced, Roxanna looked at him as if to say what the hell just happened. Also, he could see a hint of disappointment. She thought that the trial tests of the stem cells had worked. Little did she know that he didn't do any tests as he was that confident it would work. If she had known, she would have killed him with her bare hands.

**"God, you look so pathetic. Doesn't he, Meena?"**

Meena?!

He heard the sound of high heels clacking on a floor. The sound of a woman laughing echoed in his ears. It sounded like a haughty laugh, like she had triumphed over him. In a way, she had.

**"He does indeed, Alex. He definitely won't be able to threaten me or anyone anymore."**

He could hear her moving to the other side of him. Inside, he was shaking. This was a horrible nightmare and he had no way of coming to.

**"You know, John. Nothing could have stopped you from checking to see if I was alright. Like supporting me when I had tough days. Praising me when I did good. Wasn't too much to fucking ask, was it?! Instead you had to find the slightest criticism and berate me for it.**

**Constant belittling day after day. I may not have shown it at work but behind closed doors, I was left in tears because you didn't cut me any slack!"**

John had no idea she felt like that. She was right of course. As the trial tests weren't successful, he took out his frustrations on Meena, which was deeply unfair and inappropriate. He didn't stop sometimes. He just kept going on and on at her, making impossible demands of her, without giving a shit about her wellbeing. He should have been there for her instead of taking her for granted. No amount of apologies would make it right. 

**"The world could do without you, John. You have nothing to offer it anymore. Just give up, there's no point in holding on."**

She was right. What was the point? He didn't have a job, no career. Nothing to take his mind off his dark thoughts. He couldn't expect Asta to work around the clock to support both of them. It was his duty to contribute to their income. With him in jail, that wasn't happening.

He wished that Asta would find someone else. Someone who wouldn't scare her with outbursts, who didn't fly into a rage for trivial things. Someone who would adore her as much as he did. Who would treat her well. At times, he was an utter bastard to her. Breaking plates and throwing glass at the walls when he got frustrated. Often, the flying weapons came close to hitting her. 

There were times when he saw her cover the bruises with her foundation so that it would be less noticeable. He tried many times to apologise to her but she ignored it, preferring to focus on her work, rather than personal matters. She got on her work and wouldn't see John for the rest of the day. She told him to forget about it, which made him feel even worse.

He wasn't worthy of being her husband. In hindsight, he let his private feelings get in the way of their professional relationship. While he would never wish that he didn't meet Asta, he wished that he didn't tell her his feelings. It would have been better if he had waited til his mental health had improved completely as he was still a little fragile.

He didn't know what to do about their relationship. He loved her with all her heart but, at the same time, he couldn't force her to stay with him. She would better off without him. Everyone would. At university, he had a feeling that Henrik and Roxanna were getting tired of his antics and outbursts when the teacher said that he was wrong. Throughout his life, it always seemed that he got on everyone's nerves but they were too polite to say so. He had been a burden but was too proud to see it. Figuring that the world would be a better place if he wasn't there, he began to let himself go. Muffled noises surrounded him as he heard a faint beeping. It was familiar to him.

Was he...flatlining?!

Suddenly he could feel a surge of electricity through his body. Attempts were being made to bring him back. He didn't want it. As he willed himself to let go completely, he heard a different set of footsteps. Light ones, barely making a sound.

**"Now John, you can't go. Not when you've come so far."**

Asta?!

Tears were forming in his eyes as her face appeared in his mind. He never thought he would see her like this. He wanted to caress her face but found he couldn't, as his arms felt like lead.

**"I know you have been through a lot but you can't give up. The last few years haven't been easy for both of us. But I love you with all my heart. We've had our struggles, what couple hasn't. There have been times where I thought it was best for us to go our distant ways, I admit that. It seems that my love for you is stronger than anything. Henrik, Roxanna and I will do all we can to help you. I would be lost without you. You came to my aid when I was in a bad situation. Now,it is my turn. You need to live, John. For me and yourself."**

Asta was right. Times had been tough for both but they managed to get there by supporting each other. He counted his blessings that he had such good friends like Henrik and Roxanna, even though he drove them up the wall at times. He began to feel his body waking up, content in the fact that, no matter what the future had in store for him, Asta, Henrik and Roxanna would always be by his side. The people around him, he assumed, were doctors trying to save his life. From what he could gather, they were going to try one last time as he was still showing brain activity.

He braced himself, ready to be brought back. 

**"Clear!"**

John's body jolted in the air as the shockwave resonated through his body. The nurses around him waited for his heart to beat again. 

**BEEP, BEEP, BEEP , BEEP.**

Everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief as he was alive. John's eyes fluttered open. He took a deep breath and exhaled it through his mouth. It felt so good to be back. He turned his head from side to side as the nurses were taking off the defribillator patches from his body. As he was taking it all in, the memory of how he came to be there flooded back.

Deciding that there was no point in anything anymore, he snuck into the medical ward and stole a scalpel. Going back to his cell, he then began to make deep cuts into his arms, screaming in the process. The guards came running and he passed out due to blood loss. He didn't know how long he had been out, but it felt like a long time. This was a changing point for him. He couldn't dwell on the past anymore as it prevented him from looking to the future. In a few months time, he would be out into society again. He was actually excited to see his friends again. But, most importantly, he would see his wife again. He would never harm her again, that was a promise. A new life, a new beginning. And he would relish every moment of it.


End file.
